"So Have You Ever Been on Broadway?"

Sometimes, I'll be at a cocktail party, or a bar, or a temp job, or anywhere, having a nice, schmoozy, getting-to-know-you kind of conversation with one or more people when the person I'm talking to will ask what I do for a living. And when I explain that I am, in fact, an actor, there is invariably someone who responds, "Oh, so have you ever been on Broadway?"

Now, maybe this is because I am getting grouchy in my old age, but this is perhaps my least favorite phrase to hear in the entire English language. Let me tell you why.

IT'S ABSURD!!! Asking an actor this question is like asking a lawyer, "Oh, so have you ever tried a case in front of the Supreme Court?"; or asking a professor, "Oh, so are you tenured at Harvard?"; a journalist, "Oh, so are you a columnist for the New York Times?"; or an investment banker, "Do you work for a Fortune 500 company?"

I know this question is not born out of an actual desire to be insulting, and in fact is most likely a genuine attempt by someone who doesn't know a lot about theatre to frame the acting profession in terms that are easily digestible. They may never have seen a staged reading of a phonebook in an off-off-broadway theatre in the East Village, but they have seen MAMMA MIA on the Great White Way. Asking this question points out immediately that the speaker is a theatrical n00b, and additionally, it's rude. I mean, tell me I need to grow a pair if you like, but it's not common practice to go about asking people, when they tell you their profession, "Are you among the top echelon of people who do what you do, or not?" Which is exactly what they're doing when they ask this question. Asking a question like this, to anyone in any career - if the answer is "no" - makes the person being asked feel small and awkward because it points out his or her professional inadequacies in a public situation. And the point of good manners is to make people feel at ease. So a question like this is pretty much the textbook definition of bad manners. However for some reason, because being an actor is such an anomaly of a career, people feel it's ok.

Now, there are two ways I can handle this situation when it comes up. A bold and brassy, "Not yet!" usually suffices to change the topic. Or as an act of revenge I can tell them about the project I'm ACTUALLY working on at the moment, and try to make it sound as abstract and avante-garde as possible (i.e., "Well, it's a deconstruction of an aboriginal creation myth set to the music of a local underground trance band, which is being performed as a site-specific promenade installation piece in a basement gallery in Williamsburg" - or whatever) and watch their eyes glaze over with boredom. However this would also be bad manners because likewise it would make the other party feel ill at ease. So, usually, I end up just sort of lamely saying, "No..." with a little giggle, "but maybe someday..." And try my best not to look dejected and change the topic.

But I would just like to point out that there is a polite way to ask this question. Just as I might realistically ask a trial lawyer, "Oh, so are you working on any interesting cases right now," Or a professor, "Tell me about the classes that you teach," the polite thing to say to an actor in this kind of circumstance is, "So are you working on anything right now?" This gives the actor the opportunity to deliver the sound-byte she probably has prepared about her tiny Williamsburg basement show in as concise and interesting a way as possible (or if she is not working on anything, to say, "Well, I'm going on lots of auditions and taking classes," the actors go-to euphemism for, "No, I am currently unemployed and miserable."), causing minimal embarrassment for both parties and allowing the conversation to continue with minimal awkwardness.

I did the math.

I've been out of LAMDA for almost exactly one year, and actively seeking acting work in New York since September. I am classically trained, non-union, and without representation.

I've been on 50 auditions since moving back to the city in September.

Exactly half - 25 - came from actorsaccess.com, 10 came from backstage.com, 9 through personal connections, 4 from playbill.com, and 2 through nycastings.com.

Of the auditions I attended, over half were for theatre. (14 classical, 12 other), 9 were for student films, 6 for industrials, 3 for commercials, 3 for films, 1 for student theatre and 1 for webcontent and 1 for print.

7 resulted in callback, and 5 more expressed further interest that did not extend as far as a callback. I booked 13 projects, 4 of which didn't pan out. 3 of these I booked without audition through friends, and 2 without audition through submissions. This creates a total of 9 new credits on my resume. Of projects booked, precisely 3 were paying gigs - all of which I got through audition. Precisely 2 were creatively redemptive (with no overlap between the paying and the creatively redemptive work) - one of which I auditioned for and one I booked without audition. And I should mention that I made a total of $700 from paying gigs, with no individual project for which I was paid paying more than $250.

This is an average of 1.3 auditions per week, and an average of 1.125 projects booked per month, with 12% of auditions leading to work, 6% of auditions leading to paying work, and 2% to work I found creatively satisfying.

So, statistically speaking, that's what it's meant for me to be a trained, un-represented, non-union actor, trying to work in New York City over the course of 8 months.